Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho
Chris: Santa, is that you?
Santa: Well, you called me right?
Chris: Uh yeah. I just didn’t know if it would work.
Santa: Whaddya’ mean?
Chris: Well, my dad used to pick up our wall phone and say, “I’m going to call Santa and tell him not to come if you don’t start behaving!”
Santa: Let me think … nope, never got a call from the Motta residence.
Chris: Yeah, we would scream and cry and say “no, we’ll be good, we’ll be good.”
Santa: Well, you got me now, what’s on your mind?
Chris: Do you text?
Chris: Just in case I forget something. I’m just a little stunned that I got you and not a stupid automated system…
Santa: Yeah, I hate that. I just keep on punching ZERO until I get someone or I get disconnected.
Chris: I know, right?
Santa: Hey, I’ve got a Skype meeting scheduled in a few minutes, what can I do you for?
Chris: Do you do that a lot?
Santa: Yeah, but I think the camera makes me look old and fat.
Chris: Me too. I mean me, not you.
Santa: I’m not consistent … I have a skinny Santa Suit and a fat Santa suit.
Chris: I so get it. My Christmas present to myself this year is personal training.
Santa: Yeah I know.
Chris: Ha, ha, ha. Sure you do.
Santa: So I take it you are not calling me to ask for another present.
Chris: No, I just wanted to make sure you were there still. I mean, it’s been decades since I left you cookies. Now that I have a gas fireplace and all … how’d you get them?
Santa: First, that’s what your dogs are for. They are part of my team. Just no chocolate, okay?
Santa: And the fireplace question. That’s top secret. Don’t want that Jeff Bezos at Amazon to steal my technology.
Chris: I know! I read about those drones just the other day! I think he’s a Santa wannabe!
Santa: That’s funny!
Chris: Ho, ho, ho.
Santa: No, only I can say, “ho, ho, ho,” it’s kinda like my thing.
Chris: Roger that. Hey, I know you gotta go for your meeting, but one more thing?
Santa: Go for it.
Chris: Just, thanks, that’s all. December is the one time of year that even if folks don’t believe in anything else, most of them remember your naughty and nice list. It’s the one time of year if you accidentally cut someone off in traffic that they might not flip you off. Or I might give my husband a big smooch when I really feel like yelling at him for not putting away the dishes after I cook dinner.
Santa: Yeah, that bugs me too. Ms. Claus and I have a deal … I cook, she does dishes!
Chris: After all these years, you’d think you wouldn’t have to ask!
Santa: I know! I read an article in Readers Digest back in the 50’s that said that when you get married you are supposed to make a list of the top 10 things that bug you about your spouse. And then from that time forward, always let those 10 things go. I try, but it doesn’t always work.
Chris: We have a thing that if you have a chance to sleep with your favorite movie star, it’s a “free pass.”
Santa: How’s that working out for you?
Chris: Not so much. Hey! Is that something I could ask you for?
Santa: No. NO. NOOOO.
Chris: Well, like we were talking about before, too bad the spirit of the holidays didn’t last longer than December – people seem a little more forgiving and thoughtful.
Santa: I’ve tried; but getting the retailers to start putting out Christmas decorations in September just seems to piss everyone off.
Santa: Chris, I really do have to go.
Chris: Sure big guy. Any last-minute words …
Santa: Yeah, watch It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s one of my best PR pieces; it’s got everything you see on the internet today … the haters, greed, sex, despair, just no twerking. It will make you rethink whatever is bothering you.
Chris: Thanks Santa. I’ll be listening for you.