The Best Sex at Almost 50

Okay, my husband is turning 50 next year. I say to him, “I have never been with someone

The big hair days. Who needs hair, anyway, to be sexy?

as old as you are.” He rolls his eyes. I still have YEARS before I’m at 50.

But you know the stinky part? He is hotter at “almost 50” than he was at “almost 30.”  His goatee is just about white, but for some reason, he’s been dying it the last year. I’m really not sure why … he isn’t a vain guy. Maybe his girlfriend likes it. Seriously, the man works so physically hard in construction, if he had the energy or time to please a girlfriend, I’d be impressed.

Laugh lines are so charming on men. Makes them look kind. Generous. Someone you want to have a beer with. They look like plain old wrinkles on women. Too much sun-in and baby oil.

So, Sean Connery. Think of Sean Connery at almost 50. Pre-prime. He’s probably still learning the moves that make women go nuts and probably didn’t perfect until he was 68, right? I’d do Sean Connery at 82 (yeah, he’s 82). EIGHTY-TWO. That’s making me sad right now. And that’s kinda warped that I’d say I’d do an 82-year old. I might have to reconsider that.

Can you imagine sex with an 82-year old woman, let alone a  68-year old woman, let alone a 50-year old woman? Hanging ta-tas an va-ji-ji?

It’s so unfair.

So, I think about sex more pre-50 than I have ever thought about it. I dream about it a lot.

My construction worker guy dressed up as a construction worker guy for Halloween

But I’m lucky that way. When I close my eyes at night, I know I’m in for some adventure. I have had a dream life that has allowed me promiscuity. I know it is a dream, so, why not? WOO HOO!

My mom used to say that when she’d close her eyes, she would only have nightmares. She was a nurse for four decades, and would dream of patients. Hospitals. Illness. Sickness. This always made me sad.

Poor Jim, he tells me he is guilty when he is dreaming of sex with another women and stops before the GOOD PART. I think there is something wrong with him.  I’m afraid it’s because I’m a dominant, control freak, Martha Stewart -buffet – organizing woman. Am I that bad? No, must be his mother’s fault. It’s always the mother’s fault.

So, where were we? Sex at almost 50. Pretty grand being with a hot guy, with a nearly white goatee, that I’ve had a slumber party with for almost 25 years.